Mentality 1: Your Attitude Determines Your Altitude

"I said, 'Excuse me, I'm going to be a pro golfer.' They said, 'No ,no, only one in two thousand or ten thousand makes it.' So I said, 'Fine. I'm the one.' I had that level of self-commitment."
Champion golfer Nick Faldo .


We now have our goals in place. To achieve these goals, and our quality of life, we now need to marshal our resources both mental and physical.

First we start with the seat of all success - the mind.



Attitude and Belief

In the fascinating book, 'Mind Games' , former British national athletics coach Frank Dick talks of his relationship with double Olympic gold medal winning decathlete, Daley Thompson.

"Just after a hard day's work, when we were sitting back and feeling the sun on our faces, Daley said to me, 'Frankie, who's the greatest athlete you ever saw?" I asked if he meant even in videos, and he said yes. I named someone who had made four world records in one day. Daley said, 'Forget it, buddy, you're looking at him.'"

Mental training is an essential part of all sports. I cannot say I have experience of sports at a high level but I did spend some time involved in hill walking and expedition leadership where belief in your ability was probably more important than physical fitness.

With so many other challenges in life, the only barrier to our success is mental, something we touched upon previously when discussing fear.

Scammers and confidence tricksters use their attitude to persuade their victims of their plausibility. A few years ago I did some work locating properties for investors and was amazed how I easy it was to broker multi-million pound deals with professionals without having any previous experience myself.

Belief in yourself and a positive attitude are therefore key to success in any field.

As mentioned before, success requires breaking out from our comfort zone, and this can be frightening. And yet, once you have expanded your mind in this way, it will never be the same again.

James Allen says this: "As a being of thought, your dominant mental attitude will determine your condition in life."

Bob Urichuck : "Your attitude is 100% within your control! There are plenty of things in life that we have no control over. We can't control the weather, the time or what other people say or do. But we can control the way we react, our thoughts, our self-talk and our beliefs."

Robin Sieger agrees: "You have to believe in yourself and your capacity to succeed whatever happens. To have an unshakeable faith that you will make it."

He relates this can be seen in world-class champions in both sport and business.

"These people have a belief that will enable them to overcome hurdles that we would probably stare at and say 'No way through there and give up.'"

"I hope you really believe that you can achieve your personal goals and not pay lip service to them. So it is good to reflect on what we want to achieve in our lives and make sure they are not wishes we pay lip service to, but rather they are real goals that we believe in and act upon."

James Allen: "Belief is the basis of all action, and, this being so, the belief which dominates the heart or mind is shown in the life. Every man acts, thinks, lives in exact accordance with the belief which is rooted in his innermost being."

"Belief lies at the root of all human conduct. Every thought, every act, every habit, is the direct outcome of a certain fixed belief, and one's conduct alters only as one's beliefs are modified. What we cling to, in that we believe; what we practice, in that we believe. When our belief in a thing ceases, we can no longer cling to or practice it; it falls away from us as a garment out-worn."

This is the basis of the Law of Attraction. What we believe in, what we focus our mind on is most likely to occur.

Bob Urichuck : "What you think about is what you attract into your life. Negative thoughts attract certain conditions in your life, as does positive thinking. You have the ability to make any thought a reality. Mix those thoughts with emotion and they have an even greater impact on becoming reality."


The Quiet Man


James Allen talks about the confidence of the quiet man. I can think of individuals who appear to have belief in themselves who one might say have a good attitude. And yet these people are outgoing and loud: full of themselves, if you will. I think the truth is that the truly confident with the best attitude are generally also the most quiet. They feel no need to prove themselves.
As you adopt a positive, success-orientated attitude you may well find yourself approaching situations in the same calm, unruffled manner.

I have been lucky enough in my life to have dealings with several such individuals. The world of exploration and mountaineering in particular seems to breed this type. Three good examples that leap to mind would be Sir Ranulph Fiennes, Sir Chris Bonnington and Bear Grylls. You feel their confidence and are drawn to them.

James Allen: "The calm man, having learned how to govern himself, knows how to adapt himself to others; and they, in turn, reverence his spiritual strength, and feel that they can learn of him and rely upon him. The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good."

James Allen (1864-1912) certainly practised what he preached. A neighbour in Ilfracombe, Devon quoted in his biography by John Woodcock described Allen a having "a mysterious air" and "You almost had the feeling he could put a spell on you. We stepped aside when he came along."

Martial arts masters acknowledge this attitude of confident peace too.

In his book on T'ai Chi Ch'uan, Master T.T. Liang writes: "The principle of T'ai Chi is to control action by tranquillity and to conquer the forceful and unyielding with the gentle and yielding. From nothingness something is produced: it looks like nothing, though it is something; it looks soft, but in reality it is firm."

"When the mind can be maintained firmly, then a calm unperturbedness can be attained; and to that calmness there will succeed a tranquil repose of the spirit of vitality."

A few years ago the England soccer manager, Sven-Goran Eriksson was impressed by his captain David Beckham. "Beckham is very positive. He's still young, but he's a leader. He doesn't talk very much, but that's positive about him. He works very hard and always tries to find solutions for difficult tasks. That's important."

It may be going slightly off topic, but I can vouch personally for the advantages of quiet confidence. On customer services training courses in the past we were always being told to deal with a loud, argumentative person by using a measured, quiet tone. Inevitably the loud bully will quieten his or her tone to match your own. I have tried this and it does work.

On one occasion, however, I was able to imitate this attitude in an extreme test. A gang of loud teenagers decided to use the front wall of my property as a seat and to occasionally climb into my garden. I simply stood in full view of them and said nothing. Initially they shouted abuse at me but my quietness and inactivity unsettled them to the point where they simply got up and walked away. I can only conclude such people feed off the emotions of others and, when confronted with calmness, they have no reply.

(I use the expression the 'Quiet Man', full in the knowledge that this can relate to both men and women alike.)


Conclusion

Attitude from a belief in yourself is clearly required for success in any field. But how do we get this belief and attitude? In the next blog we will deal with this question.

Until the next time, have a great week. With my very best wishes as ever,

Keith


http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/

Goals 3: Reach For The Stars And Avoid The Mud

Last week, we started to examine the required features needed for effective goals using the mnemonic 'SMART'.

This week I will complete the list ready to apply the rules to my own goals.



SMART: Goals Must Be MEASURABLE


How can we understand when we are getting close to the goal and indeed when we reach it?

One of my goals is to replace my conservatory on the house. But how do I know when I am safely able to do this? I could do it now, as long as I am willing to take out a loan for the full amount. That solution, however, does not agree with my values, which include financial discipline with no debt. Therefore my goal is to pay for the conservatory with cash.

This is why being specific about your goal on every detail is key. Monetary values are a very useful gauge of your goals. I asked a conservatory company to give me a quotation and they stated a cost of GBP16 000 for the job. My goal is now to raise this amount of money in order to replace my conservatory. A measurable goal.

The second advantage of this approach, by the way, is the salesman was also able to provide me with detailed features of the conservatory so I had a better picture of my goal too.


MyGoals.com says it well: "Your goals should be measurable and specific enough for you to know unambiguously whether they have been completed yet or not."

Bob Urichuck makes this observation in his blog: "One of my greatest lessons while working in sales is the discovery that we are constantly setting sales targets and objectives and being measured alongside them. This is a good practice and keeps us focused on our sales targets. Why not apply these same goal setting and monitoring strategies in our personal lives? Consequently, we can stay focused on our dreams and end up where we want to be."



Write Your Goals Down


Writing goals down somehow makes them more real and embeds them in your mind. It seems to me that this also helps you to plan your short term goals leading to the larger long term goals - and helps you measure your progress towards them.

Keeping your goals in front of you also seems to increase the chances of achieving them, so write them down and then put them where you can easily see them. Again, this is something we will refer to later, but find pictures that show the exact goal you want and put them where you can see them every day. The most popular place suggested seems to be on the refrigerator, but I think it is anywhere you will see it most often.

Bob Urichuck again: "Record keeping is important in goal setting. Writing down your goals and action plans represents a commitment. Otherwise you are merely wishful thinking. You can re-read and visualise written goals. They are credible and legitimate. They live and lead onward. When you write you have begun to act. Inertia is gone. You sense accomplishment already."

"Imagine your pencil, pen or keyboard is a magic wand and everything that you write down will become a reality. If it is not written down, it will not become a reality. Just the mere act of writing it down crystallises the dream."

Writing your goals down shows you are serious about achieving them. It helps you focus on them and starts the laws of nature working in your favour.

SMART: Goals Should Be ACHIEVABLE


Here we come to what I consider the most difficult aspect of goal setting. How do we know what is achievable? What is realistic?

MyGoals.com is helpful: "A goal is realistic if you stand reasonably good odds of accomplishing it, given enough time and effort - and, indeed, mountains can be moved if given enough time and effort."

"The majority of the goals you set should be very realistic or you risk becoming frustrated if you do not accomplish any of them. However, there is nothing wrong with attempting things that defy the odds or that you expect to be extremely difficult."

One of the skills that will probably be useful here is the including of small goals building up to the larger goals - baby steps, if you like.

For example, as I want GBP16 000 for a conservatory, I could set monthly goals to build the amount required by perhaps GBP1000 the first month, GBP2000 the second month and so on. Concentrate on the smaller goals and you may be amazed how easy it will be to hit the larger target.

I guess the ideal is to end up knowing every day what you need to do to achieve your goals.

Bob Urichuck : "Create a plan of action taking small steps to build and maintain a successful momentum. If your steps are too large, there is room in between to procrastinate. I recommend you take baby steps and allow for growth."

Zig Ziglar : "It is wiser to set the goal high but reachable."

MyGoals.com puts it well again: "it's worth noting that many of life's most difficult accomplishments are also some of the most worthwhile...if something were easy, then everyone would be doing it and it would no longer be very noteworthy."



How Can We Achieve Our Goals?

As mentioned in the blogs on Dreams, when you set the goal, life will provide the method to achieve it. It is a strange fact of life but if you focus on a goal, the 'how' will appear.

Jim Rohn : "Reasons come first, answers second."

The answers seem to appear to those who have the inspiration to look for them.

"When you know what you want and you want it badly enough, you'll find a way to get it."

Maxwell Maltz in his fascinating book, 'Psycho-Cybernetics' tells us: "It is the function of the automatic mechanism to supply the 'means whereby' when you supply the goal. Think in terms of the end result, and the means whereby will often take care of themselves."

The truth is, your abilities will grow as you pursue and achieve your goals. It seems you will be more fulfilled, motivated, inspired and, dare I say, happy the more you chase your goals.

Jim Rohn : "Your abilities will grow. You'll draw on untapped potential and talents you never know existed."


There are ways we can help the process, however.


Be Prepared To Pay The Price


To achieve anything worthwhile you need to pay the price.

On occasions, you may even need to temporarily sacrifice the very thing you are aiming for in order to achieve it - another paradox.

For example, to earn extra money, you may need to initially invest money or to spend more time with your family, you may have to spend less time with them whilst you work for your goal. In that last example, you may find you can be smart and include your family in your goal setting so they become your greatest helpers or supporters.

To prevent becoming disillusioned when effort is needed, it might not be a bad idea to understand the price that needs to be paid before setting the goal.

Bob Urichuck : "The price has to be identified before the goal is set. The price could be in the form of money, but can also be other things as well. It could require additional education, a change in habits or require more effort, or time, than what you are normally used to."

Keep It Simple, Sunshine


MyGoals.com : "It is better to keep your number of goals down to a manageable amount."

Keep the number of goals you are working on at any one time at a minimum so you can concentrate or focus on one at a time and you will not get overwhelmed.


Perseverance Is Key


Your goals will be achieved with dogged determination. Do something every day towards your goal and this will keep you focused. Discipline is key.

Bob Urichuck : "Stick to your plan and do what you have to do, even when you don't want to do it. Discipline is the key to your success and to achieving your goals. It is a commitment to the most important person in the world."

We will talk more about discipline and persistence later.



Don't Do It Alone


Again, we will refer to this later but it is easier to chase your goals when you are in the company of like-minded people who have high expectations of you (not the plonkers who wouldn't recognise a goal if they fell over it).

If you know people like this and you can spend time with them, fantastic. However, this may not always be easy. If you have the time, ideally, you may pull a group of people together and meet maybe once a month to discuss your goals. This will make you accountable to them and give you an extra reason to chase your targets.

At the very least you could read books, listen to cds or watch DVDs from people who are a positive influence on your attitude to goals. Okay, I have a vested interest but Success University is a source of such material, but there are other such bodies, including Amazon of course.

Otherwise, there are plenty of online groups and forums to help you, including Horatios Dreaming (one of mine again).





SMART: Goals Should Be RELEVANT


You goals must be relevant to YOU and nobody else. They have to be selfish for them to work. If you had a goal to satisfy someone else, the moment your relationship with them deteriorates, the goal becomes irrelevant. Never set a goal for someone else.

This also refers back to our values as discussed in the Dreams blog. Our goals must be relevant to what we consider important in life. I have already referred to this when I talked about my goals to replace my conservatory - my value there was financial discipline.

Your goals must not clash with other goals either. If you want to leave work, you obviously cannot also have a goal to be promoted at work.

Bob Urichuck : "Our goals guide our actions and help us plan at work and at home. When we focus on our goals (resolutions), our present is determined by our future...not our past. Keep in mind that your resolutions (goals) are an extension of your values."

This is a short section, but the last thought is from MyGoals.com :

"The more fully you understand why you want something, the more motivated you will be to keep working at it until you have accomplished it."

SMART: Goals Need To Have A TIMETABLE



For a goal to work it needs a deadline or you will be able to delay its attainment.

We have decided where we want to go now we need to define when we want to get there.

Again, you need to be honest with yourself in deciding the best time frame. Give yourself time and examine your feelings to understand what you know to be achievable. Bear in mind you will need to balance goals in different areas of your life (career, family, sport etc.) so you need to keep the whole picture in mind.


Long Term And Short Term Goals


You should by now have a detailed list of dreams you want to achieve.

Jim Rohn suggests writing next to each goal the number of years you expect it will take to achieve it (use 1 year, 3 years, 5 years and 10 years).

Check you have a balance between long term and shorter-term goals. If you have too many shorter-term goals then maybe you are not dreaming big enough. If you have too many long-term goals then either you need to look for shorter-term goals or examine what 'baby step' goals you can set to drive you towards the larger goals.

I know we have discussed the idea of 'baby step' goals before but this passage from MyGoals.com might help:

"Almost any goal, no matter how difficult, can be made easier by breaking it down into several smaller goals, to be tackled one at a time. The completion of so-called 'baby steps' is one of the best ways to build confidence, momentum and a track record of performance."

An example here is if you had a goals to be an internationally renowned concert pianist and yet you can only play 'Chopsticks' now. Clearly you could not achieve your goal tomorrow but you could in five years. In the intervening period you could get smaller 'baby step' goals such as 'find a top piano teacher','get my piano exams','play in the local community centre,' and so on.

Such smaller goals leading to the larger goals prevent you from neglecting your goals, as the excitement builds, otherwise you will find, as the elephant keeper did, the work will start to pile up.


Now pick out four of your goals you feel are the most important from each time category. For each write:

1. A detailed description of the goal (include the five senses again)

2. The reasons why you want it.

You may now find you do not really want the goal after this. That's okay: find another one that is important to you.

If you struggle with this, Bob Urichuck includes an excellent 'Goal Log' to help you.

Achieve and Reward


As you plan your goals, ensure you include both a method to track your progress towards your goals and a reward for achieving each goal.


For a reward, think of something you enjoy you can treat yourself to celebrate your success. Maybe it could be a trip to the cinema, a DVD you have always wanted, a meal in a restaurant, or even a restful evening at home. It must be something that will be a delight to you to say 'I have achieved something.'

It does not need to be expensive; you don't want the pleasure of your success tainted by guilt!

Also you should have the discipline of 'delayed gratification.' If you have promised yourself perhaps a new coat if you achieve a goal DO NOT buy it until you have achieved the goal and it will feel so much sweeter and the whole process much more fun.

Jim Rohn reminds us that goal setting is a continual, life-long process and we should review our goals and progress weekly. If you have them in front of you all the time then this should not be at all difficult.

Just think how good you would feel if you could see how you are progressing through your goals!


Bob Urichuck : "You need to measure and monitor your progress on an ongoing basis. Without some form of monitoring you will not be able to recognize your progress and reward yourself accordingly."



Conclusion


"It's exciting to know that as long as you're reaching for the stars you won't end up with a handful of mud. You need to see life as something big and exciting and your goals as big ones."

Zig Ziglar


It is clear now how important goals are in giving us direction, a purpose, in life and in helping us to decide what we should be doing at any one time.

Goals help with time management too: if you have your goals in front of you and you are moving forward, you will have a better grasp of your time.

Zig Ziglar again: "Time can be an ally or an enemy. What is becomes depends entirely upon you, your goals and your determination to use every available minute."

"Killing time is not murder - it's suicide."

There is no doubt that goals can change your life massively.

I just want to make a comment on the possibility of failure here. If you do not achieve your goal in the time allotted, reset the goal and move on. You only fail if you stop trying. You will know if you have put the effort in and, if you feel you haven't, then the answer is clear: if you want to improve your life, immerse yourself in your goals and pursue them with everything you have.

This has been a long blog this week and I apologise for that. Next week (gulp) I will present the results of applying all this to my own goals. I hope you will have a go yourself.

In the meantime, my very best wishes for great week.


Keith


http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/

Values: The Values Of One

In examining our dreams and creating our future lives (being the architect of our lives, if you like), I feel it is important to take a moment to understand and appreciate what features of our characters are important.

We have already established that money is needed to survive in the modern world, and, I suppose it depends on your definition of true success, but in my opinion, we need to include the following values in our lives to gain the most benefit.


Honesty


In his book, The Magic Of Thinking Big, David Schwartz tells the story of a student who made a total mess of an examination paper. Dr. Schwartz knew the student was capable of being top of his class so was concerned enough to ask the man in to see him. He asked the student what had happened.

The student responded in this way: 'Sir, after I saw that you had spotted me cheating, I just went to pieces. I could not concentrate on anything. Honest, this is the first time I've ever cheated at the university. I desperately wanted to succeed so I...' He then went on to explain how he expected to be dismissed, how it would wreck his life and bring shame to his family.


In fact, Dr Schwartz had no idea the man had cheated and reassured the man he had learned a lesson on the value of honesty.

Men have too frequently destroyed their lives by having an extra marital affair and then become overcome with guilt and fear they might be found out. Many criminals are caught simply because they act in a guilty manner.

"There is within each of us a desire to be right, to think right, and act right. When we go against that desire we put a cancer in our conscience. Avoid doing anything that will cause you to ask yourself: 'Will I get caught? Will they find out? Will I get away with it?'"

Honesty and simply doing what is right is so valuable.

Schwartz again: "Doing what's right keeps your conscience satisfied. And this builds self-confidence. When we do what is known to be wrong, two negative things happen. First, we feel guilty, and this guilt eats away confidence. Secondly, other people sooner or later find out and lose confidence in us. Do what is right and keep your confidence."

A lack of honesty also complicates your life. For example, if you tell a lie for whatever reason you need to remember what you said in future conversations or be found out.

You may achieve a level of success, but if it were based on dishonest acts, any happiness achieved would be diluted by the guilt you feel. Equally other people would lose their trust in you and subsequent relationships are put in doubt.

I have made some really stupid mistakes in my life but have learned to be honest about them. Any hurt would be magnified if I try to avoid responsibility and lie. I do have a strong conscience, which will not let me relax if I have been dishonest.

Obviously it is better not to make the mistakes in the first place!

At the same time, it is good to use common sense. Being brutally honest can be equally hurtful - especially when commenting on someone's appearance!


"What you give, you get in return. If you give honesty, you will receive honesty."

Robin Sieger




Loyalty

Like me, you may have included some improvement in your relationships with loved ones, friends and family in your dreams. One way to do this is to show them a degree of loyalty.

Be loyal enough to take their side in all events and do the best by them at every opportunity.

Remember you will know in your heart when you have done the right thing by someone - and if you do not, well, you will know this too.

Obviously if you have a partner, married or unmarried, then he or she should be the centre of your life, with no competition.

Winston Churchill was certainly loyal to his friends and family and especially his wife, Clementine, to whom he was devoted. One of his supporters and companions, Brendan Bracken said of Churchill "He would go to the stake for a friend."








Reliability/Dependability


One of the main purposes of this exercise is to improve your own self-image and being reliable and dependable certainly helps to do this.

I'm sure you have been in the situation where you have organised an event, perhaps a social gathering, only to have people you have invited not turn up even though they promised they would. How did you feel? Disappointed? Feeling you were not important enough for that person to make a commitment to you?

We will talk more about skills with people later, but being unreliable is a sure-fire way to offend others.

This includes punctuality, by the way, which has been a weakness of mine in the past. Be there at the time you said and it will be an unspoken compliment to the person you are to meet.

Think also how you feel about trades people who do not undertake what they promised. As I write this, I am waiting for a telephone call from one company who was meant to ring me before this and a plumber who was meant to be here to do a job already. The likelihood of my using either again is reducing by the minute!

I think if these values become disciplined and then habitual you can concentrate on moving forward and improving your circumstances.




Strength


Here I do not mean physical strength but moral strength. This is related to dependability.

Personally, one of the greatest aims in my life is to be there if any member of my family or friends need support. Once again, if I know I have done what is right it gives me a bigger buzz than almost anything else: better than drugs and alcohol for sure! If anything I do helps others enjoy a better life then that is okay by me.

I think we all have a responsibility to be as strong as possible in order to help those less able to help themselves. This infers we need to make the best of ourselves and to show compassion.




Compassion


I believe compassion is different to sympathy. Sympathy is someone falling into a hole and you jumping down with them and saying 'Oh no, this is terrible.' Compassion is someone falling into a hole and you looking in and saying 'Oh, I understand the situation', and reaching down to help them out.

In other words, compassion involves appreciating the trials of other people and then helping them over come their challenges - if they want assistance. You can only help people if they want help!

Stephen Mansfield in his book on Winston Churchill, 'Never Give In', writes:

"There is a difference between pity and compassion. Pity is an entirely emotional response of sorrow for another's ill fortune. It is feeling not necessarily accompanied by action. Compassion, on the other hand, moves people to action. It is more than sympathizing, more than sharing another's feelings. Compassion is the potent combination of genuine empathy with fiery determination to create change. Throughout history, pity has been the luxury of every age, but compassion marks only strong and noble societies rooted in something beyond material gain and sensual indulgence.








Humility


Arrogance is an obstacle to achieving our dreams, an unnecessary waste of energy. It is a belief of superiority over others. When people have arrogance they repel other people. They become unattractive. I regret this is all too common in some managers in the corporate world.

Humility is the opposite of arrogance. It explains why Adolf Hitler came so close to winning the Second World War - and it explains why he eventually lost. Initially, he left the day-to-day decisions to his officers in the field during the Blitzkrieg. He was humble enough to trust their abilities. After a while, however, Hitler became more arrogant and paranoid, which caused him to make all decisions himself. Authority became too centralised and unwieldy.

Humble leaders accept the input of others and people thus included are more likely to follow the leader.

In his very readable book, 'You Can Change Your Life Any Time You Want', Robin Sieger states: "Humility allows us to go through life without needing to see ourselves as better than others. Humility is accepting, it is quiet, and it is calm. Humility is a confident respect for others and for oneself."

He explains that humility allows us to enjoy and understand life better as we no longer compare ourselves to others and so no longer have to feel superior or inferior to our fellows. We feel in balance with others: we feel equal.

"Humility enables us to be fully open to others, to really listen to them, to give them all of our attention, because we no longer worry about what they may be thinking about us, nor are we judging them."

The truth is we can only feel humble when compared with the power and beauty of the world about you. I recall sitting on the summit of a mountain in the English Lake District on fine day and realising that the Queen or the President of the United States could be in the valley below and I would not know. That made me realise how humble we are without even considering the immensity of the universe!

I am aware I have previously discussed the possibility that we are created in the image of God, but I still think humility is important, as arrogance is most un-Godlike! The truth is we still find it difficult to understand what God is so still feel humble in our ignorance.

It seems to me that the most impressive people in my life have tended to be quiet and have had a humble strength. I put it that way as being humble can be seen as being servile and weak but I believe it is more a quiet confidence. After all, supremely confident people would have no need to compare themselves to others.




The Paradox of Success


Here we come upon the key paradox.

During my life I have become aware of what I have come to know as 'the Losers Creed'. On a regular basis I seem to hear someone say 'You have to look after number one' or 'Look after yourself ahead of the others.' However, I have come to realise nobody who ever says this has achieved what I would consider success.

Although we have to be selfish in identifying our dreams, I do not believe we can achieve real success without working with or satisfying other people. I know we cannot satisfy everyone but it should be clear to whom you have a particular responsibility. This would certainly include family and friends."No man is an island," wrote John Donne and I believe fulfilment requires successful interaction with others.

Clearly this can create a clash between doing what you want and what others expect. This is why we need to consider what values are important as we set our goals next month. I guess we need to make the best of ourselves in order to serve our dependents and society as a whole.

At all times success requires the ability to deal satisfactorily with others in a way that ensures as many people as possible feel they have gained from the experience. It is a difficult balance but it should become clearer as we progress.



"Do not believe the world when it tells you that you must always attend to 'number one' first, and to others afterwards. To do this is not to think of others at all, but only of one's own comforts."

"To those who practice this the day will come when they will be deserted by all, and when they cry out in their loneliness and anguish there will be no one to hear and help them. To consider one's self before all others is to cramp and warp and hinder every noble and divine impulse."

James Allen (The Path of Prosperity)




Conclusion


I think we have now pinned down our dreams and put them in the perspective of what is valuable to us. Success therefore would seem to be a balance of the material and those things money cannot buy and between the selfish and the unselfish.

Okay. But dreams alone will not move me to action. What we need to do is to set dates to these dreams and devise a plan to achieve them. We need to develop a sense of urgency; something I have always found a challenge.

We need therefore to set some goals. It just so happens this is the subject of the next blog.

Until then, my very best wishes as ever.


Keith


www.KeithBraithwaite.com

Fear 3: Be Careful Darling

Last week we discussed the breakdown of fear using the guide of Napoleon Hill's great book, 'Think and Grow Rich'. Somehow though I felt we hadn't found the whole picture so this week I will expand on this using some other sources and set this blog up so next week we can finally set about defeating fear before we move on.


Before we do, I would like to quote two passages I have found in a fascinating book about the attitudes of sports stars: this book is called 'Mind Games' by Jeff Grout and Sarah Perrin (http://eu.wiley.com).


The first is from the former boss of the McLaren Formula One racing team, Ron Dennis:


"How often do you go through life avoiding decisions because you can't contemplate the potential of failure? Lots of people don't get married because of it. Lots of people carry lots of insecurities. It holds them back in their lives."


The second passage, well, two passages, is from former Olympic runner, Roger Black about 1993, an uncertain year for him:


"My career seemed to be nearly over, and as a person I was all over the place. Everything was a struggle. I picked up a simple book and it had a graph in it showing need for achievement and fear of failure. I looked at it and thought, 'that's me. I'm scared of failure.'"


He decided to address this fear and realised:


"I could lose all my money, I could lose my house. But I can't fail, because there is no such thing as failure. If you are an athlete or whatever you do, the worst thing is to be afraid of failure."


But, wait, is fear such a bad thing? Sometimes controlled fear is positive.



The Positive Side of Fear



I know I am taking a side turning for a moment, but I have discovered fear can be used in a constructive way - especially the fear of failure.



Ron Dennis again:



"The gratification of success is easily matched by the pain of failure. Whilst you would initially think the biggest driver is the search for the rush of success, it doesn't drive you as much as the fear of failure. I feel psychological pain in failure, and it's a great motivator."



Clive Woodward, the coach of the World Cup winning England rugby team:



"The biggest thing, especially with the Six Nations, is that you've got to create a fear factor - a respect factor. In some games it's not difficult; if we are playing a team we can clearly lose to, the fear factor is there. The difficult games are against teams we know we can lose to, but know we should really beat - so you have to create this fear factor. That's why we tend to play better against the bigger teams - we tend to play better when there's something at stake."



And finally, one of my heroines, the fastest round the world yachtswoman, Ellen MacArthur talking about the tough Vendee Globe race:


"With a project like the Vendee, I'm not just doing it for me. A huge amount of energy and commitment goes into preparing a race like that. There are so many people who prepared the boat and who are working every day communicating with you. There's all that energy behind you and it's not up to you to give in. You're damn well going to hang on in there and not let anyone down. Probably fear of failure is one of the biggest motivators - not wanting to let people down."



Anyway, I digress. Time to move back to an analysis of fear.








Back to an Analysis of Fear



I will just stick with the world of sport and the 'Mind Games' book for an analysis of fear from the Olympic coach, Frank Dick:



"Former national athletics coach Frank Dick believes there are four fears that can seriously impede a sportsperson. These are fear of losing, fear of making a mistake, fear of rejection and fear of embarrassment. Fear of losing is like thinking about drowning when you should be thinking about swimming. Worrying about mistakes means you don't take risks, and that means no progress. Fear of rejection, in terms of not being selected, again leads to playing safe as does fear of embarrassment or being concerned about what people think. Dick calls these 'fatal fears' because they take people back off the edge. Champions have to want to live on the edge; they have go to be comfortable being there."



That passage strikes a chord with me. Too often my fears make me back down (from 'the edge') and are encompassed in all four fears Dick describes. Ouch. But can we not break the fears down more specifically and then define fear in one passage we can then attack?



Let's at last turn to what may be the definitive book on the subject. In fact, the very title may give us the answer we need: 'Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers (www.susanjeffers.com).



I would like to start as she does on page 3 of the book:



"What is it for you?



Fear of...
Public Speaking
Asserting yourself
Making decisions
Intimacy
Changing jobs
Being alone
Aging
Driving
Losing a loved one
Ending a relationship?"



"Is it some of the above? All of the above? Perhaps you could add a few more to the list. Never mind...join the crowd! Fear seems to be epidemic in our society. We fear beginnings; we fear endings. We fear changing; we fear 'staying stuck'. We fear success; we fear failure. We fear living; we fear dying."


"I believe it is primarily an education problem, and that by re-educating the mind, you can accept fear as simply a fact of life rather than a barrier to success (this should be a relief to all of you out there who have been wondering 'What's wrong with me?')."


"No matter what degree of insecurity you are feeling, a part of you knows there is a lot of wonderful 'stuff' within you just waiting to be let out and NOW is the perfect time for opening the door to the power and love within."


Susan Jeffers believes fear can be broken down into three levels with level one being the most shallow, surface fears.









You can easily add more to this list or delete those that do not relate to you.



Also one fear can lead to another. For example, if you fear making new friends, then going to parties or intimacy may well make you afraid.



Now the level 1 fears can then be grouped into a smaller layer of fears at level 2.


Level 2 fears are to do with the inner state of mind the level 1 fears produce.







These explain why generalised fears exist. For example, if you are afraid of rejection, it will affect every part of your life - all relationships, job interviews, business activities and so on. Then you start to shut out the world.



The level 2 fears will all affect many areas of your life.



Okay, so we have whittled down the Level 1 fears to Level 2, but can we define fears in one line? Susan Jeffers believes we can.






"At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can't handle whatever life may bring you."


"If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear?"



Ah-ha! This makes sense to me. In every situation where I have been fearful, I can see it was simply a fear that I could not handle what was happening.



For example, last week we talked about the fear of criticism, which is really the fear of not being able to handle criticism. My fear of talking to strangers is no more than a fear I might not be able to handle talking to strangers. There are projects I have procrastinated over as I am frightened I could not handle the challenges such projects present. Surely if I could feel I COULD handle any situation, then I could handle my fears.



I am now confident we are on the way to confronting and defeating these fears.


Before we move on to tackling our fears, it might be useful to understand why we have so little trust in ourselves. I will refer to Susan Jeffers again.



Now, some fear is constructive and probably comes from a survival instinct inherited from our ancesters but there are learned fears we could do without. Where did they come from?



Last week, we already mentioned the role of the media in conditioning fears but maybe some are also learned from the well-intentioned comments from our mothers. Were you ever told 'be careful, darling'? The mind translates this into 'be careful as I am not confident you can handle your life alone.' Be positive. The true meaning is more likely 'be careful because I could not handle it if anything happened to you' - which is nice. In future, see it as an indication of how much they care for you.



In my case, I also know there have been too many people who don't want me to do better than them and so criticise me to pull me back (remember the crab pot analogy last week?): 'Who do you think you are?' 'Don't bother, you will never manage that.' 'You will get ripped off.'



This blog is here to counteract these comments.



One last quote from Susan Jeffers:



"It is often impossible to figure out what the actual causes of negative patterns are, and even is we did know, the knowing doesn't necessarily change them. I believe that if something is troubling you, simply start from where you are and take the action necessary to change it."



Thank you, Susan, we certainly will - next week.



Have a wonderful week and look out for the next blog.



With my very best wishes,



Keith




http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/

Fear 2: What Are You Afraid Of?

In his classic book 'Think And Grow Rich', Napoleon Hill talks of the danger presented by fear and states, "before we can master an enemy, we must know its name, its habits, and its place of abode."

This is the purpose of this week's blog: to indentify and classify the fears in readiness to eliminate them. I will apply them to myself and invite you to use this blog to deeply examine yourself to see if these fears apply to you.

I will start with Napoleon Hill's breakdown of the fears.

He lists six types of fear in order of their popularity (starting with the most common):

Poverty

Criticism

Ill Health

Lost Love

Old Age

Death

1. The Fear of Poverty

This is born of the mistaken belief that wealth is limited and if one person wins, someone else must lose. In truth (as Napoleon Hill puts it), "we live in a world of overabundance of everything the heart could desire, with nothing standing between us and our desires, excepting a lack of a definite purpose."

These are the symptoms of the fear of poverty he sets out:

An indifference: a lack of ambition, laziness, an acceptance of whatever mediocre rewards are offered, a lack of initiative, imagination, enthusiasm, and self-control.

Indecision: letting others make your decisions, not thinking for yourself.

Doubt: excuses are made for the failure to move forward, envy of those who are successful.

Worry: resulting in an over use of alcohol or drugs, neglect of personal apprearance, nervousness, self-consciousness, bad body language, criticising others and bad financial discipline - 'retail therapy'.

Over caution: thinking negatively (looking for the bad in every situation), pessimism, leading to bad physical effects (indigestion, bad breath).

Procrastination: putting off jobs until tomorrow (and tomorrow never comes). Often the time taken to think up excuses could have been used to complete the project.

A refusal to accept responsibility and a willingness to compromise too readily.

Bargaining for small rewards (union pay negotiations?) and compromising to reduce difficulties rather than dealing with them head on.

These people will seek the company of others who accept poverty to reduce the pressure on them to confront their fear.

I can recognise myself in many of these symptoms; I have been terribly prone to procrastination as a result of a fear of facing up to the possibility of mediocrity. I suppose this could also be seen as a fear of failure so as I don't begin, I can't fail (although I forget that doing nothing could be seen as failure too).

Such inaction does lead to excuses as to why I have done nothing and then a poor self-image, as I know in my heart that I have let myself down. In an attempt to bolster my self-esteem, I have then associated with people no more successful than myself (fortunately, I do have some other, true friends who I can now perceive as more successful).

2. The Fear of Criticism

I think this might now be a more important fear in modern times.

Too many people are ready to criticise others and the advent of modern mass media makes it easier for that criticism to be heard.

This makes it less likely for an individual to step out of line for fear of falling victim to such criticism: thay would be more likely to stay within their own comfort zone.

I have heard an analogy made with crab or lobster fishing. I am no expert myself, but understand the crab pots work because any such creature caught in the traps which attempts to escape is dragged back down by other crustacea in the same trap. I'm afraid human beings are much the same. The only difference is our shells are thinner. If one person attempts to be successful, all too often others will be ready to pull him or her down.

One of the intended themes of this blog is to encourage less criticism and more, well, encouragement. 'You can do it' because, frankly, you can.

I suppose under the fear of criticism you could include the fear of public speaking and stage fright.

Once again, I turn to Napoleon Hill for the symptoms of the fear of criticism:

Self-consciousness: nervousness, timidity in conversation and meeting strangers.

A lack of poise: nervous in the presence of others, poor body language, poor memory.

A weak personality: a lack in firmness of decision, charm and ability to express definite opinions.

An inferiority complex: using big words (often not knowing what they mean), boasting of imaginary achievements, imitating others in dress, speech and manners.

Sometimes this compensation leads to the impression that a person considers himself or herself superior to you. No, they are simply overcompensating for a raging inferiority complex.

Extravagance: 'keeping up with the Joneses', spending beyond ones income.

A lack of ambition: laziness, too easily influenced, criticising people behind their backs and flattering them to their face, quitting an undertaking as soon as it is opposed by others, afraid of making decisions, lack of tact in manner and speech, unable to accept blame.

Ah, how common is the fear of criticism.Too often I have also procrastinated as a result of being afraid of possible criticism of what I do. I have frequently given up an undertaking after criticism by someone - even though that person has less knowledge of the matter than I have.

Giving into this fear has eroded my confidence leading to a feeling of inferiority and a reduced ability to deal with others. All too often I have given the opinions of other people more weight than my own.

To me, this has been the most destructive fear, leading to my acceptance of mediocrity rather than breaking out to achieve my potential.

3. The Fear of Ill Health

Napoleon Hill states that 75% of people who visit physicians are suffering from hypochondria (imaginery illness). I suspect the figure may be much higher now.

We will talk about the power of the mind later but it seems clear that preoccupation with an illness can reproduce the symptoms of that condition.

Napoleon Hill again: "Powerful and mighty is the human mind! It builds or it destroys."

Drugs companies have made fortunes playing on this fear and then providing the 'cure'.

"There is overwhelming evidence that disease sometimes begins in the form of a negative thought impulse. Such an impulse may be passed from one mind to another by suggestion, or created by an individual in his own mind."

The symptoms of a fear of ill health:

Autosuggestion: looking for and expecting to find symptoms of illness, enjoying imaginary illnesses, trying all fad medicines, remedies and diets, regularly talking about illnesses.

Hypochondria: talking about and concentrating the mind upon an illness until it appears. This is nothing more than negative thinking.

Indolence: ironically this fear prevents a person having a healthy outdoor life.

Susceptability: the fear breaks down the body's immune system and opens the person to disease.

Self-coddling: using imaginary illness to gain sympathy (and gain attention) as an excuse for laziness or a lack of ambition.

Intemperance: using alcohol or narcotics to deal with the symptoms rather than attacking the cause.

Worry: reading about an illness and worrying about catching it. Advertising of course does not help.

4. The Fear of a Loss of Love

A very painful fear, which concerns jealousy and the fear of a partner being tempted away.

It seems women are more susceptible to this as men are perceived as polygamous and so less trustworthy. I consider this is more likely to be present when the partner is considered to be more attractive (and therefore at greater risk) and if the person with the fear has a low self-esteem.

The symptoms of a fear of a loss of love are:

Jealousy: suspicion of those close to you with no evidence, false accusations, faith in no one. Of course, in its extreme, such a fear could actually drive a partner away.

Faultfinding: finding fault with everyone with whom you have contact with no cause whatsoever.

Gambling: the mistaken belief that love can be bought and financing this through gambling, stealing, cheating, over spending and incurring debts. This in turn leads to insomnia, nervousness, weakness of will, bad temper.

5. The Fear of Old Age and the Fear of Death

I have combined the last two fears as there are obvious similarities between them.

These fears include a fear of reducing abilities (including sexual), a loss of freedom and independence and of poverty.

Both old age and death bring with them the fear that others might move in and seize your material goods and wealth.

Much of the fear comes from a lack of understanding of what happens when we die. This has been used to the advantage of some religious leaders in the past, threatening terrible consequences after death. Indeed this ignorance has been demonstrated by terrorists preaching the reverse situation to young men to encourage them to become suicide bombers and embrace the rewards available after death.

I suspect the idea of eternal damnation and fire and brimstone still features in the subconscious of many people.

I think fear has to arise in most of life's major changes.

Once again, though, the media have their responsibility for these fears. Advertisements are common for funeral plans, saving for your 'old age', life assurance and a huge array of medicines and mechanical aids to help you cope with your 'declining years'. The newspapers, magazines, radio and television all portray older people as decrepit, losing their independence and requiring sympathy.

These fears are, not suprisingly, allied to the fear of ill health.

The symptoms that show a fear of old age:

Premature slowdown: slowing down after the age of 40 (the age of mental maturity), feeling inferior because you are 'old'.

Apology for one's age, for being 'old'.

Killing off initiative: believing oneself unable to show imagination and self-reliance.

Masquerading as a younger person: this only inspires ridicule from other people - a 'mid-life crisis' can be included here.

The symptoms that show the fear of death:

Thinking about dying instead of making the most out of life. This is usually as a result of a lack of purpose or meaningful activity.

Am association with the fear of poverty either in one's own life or in the lives of loved ones after your death.

There is an association with illness or imbalance, which can lead to mental depression. I would add that this would also occur if you felt you had not achieved all you wanted in life or you had fallen short in some way.

Conclusion

This week I have attempted to explain much of the causes of fear but I feel this has not yet been comprehensive enough. I don't think I have yet quite fully explained why people (like myself) are slow to break out of their comfort zone - to make the most of themselves.

I hope I have, nonetheless, given you something to think about.

Next week, I will explore fear a little more and hope to complete our understanding of the causes. Once I have done that, the following week I will look at how to overcome fear.

Have a good week, and I send out my very best wishes to you.

Keith Braithwaite

http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/

Fear 1: Fear Is All Around

Week One - 1st February 2009


It may seem strange to start a self-development blog by discussing fear. However, looking back at my life so far, I believe various forms of fear have prevented me achieving much of what I wanted.

These include (a few that I can think of now); a fear of going to hospital, a fear of speaking in public, a fear of ringing tradespeople, a fear of undertaking a long journey, a fear of speaking to strangers, a fear of telephoning friends, a fear of progressing relationships, a fear of starting a difficult project, a fear of talking to people I perceive as superior to me in some way, a fear of going to work, and, yes, a fear of writing this blog.

Interestingly, I have noticed the more I give into fear, the more fears I develop; indeed, I can imagine feeding fears enough could lead to full blown phobias.

To prevent fear obstructing the purpose of this blog, I want to tackle it straight away.

Whilst researching this subject, I have become more and more amazed how much fear there is in the world.

Have you ever been told (as I have) that fear 'is only in the mind'?

That may be so, but its effects are very real and widespread.

Governments rule by fear, companies market through fear (insurance companies in particular: 'what would happen if.....?') and I am increasingly convinced that many of the negative and destructive deeds committed in this world are created by fear. The media have a lot to answer for in this respect. Now I enjoy nights as much as days and yet so often I have come across adults who are afraid of the dark. Why? Well, look at the passion for horror movies and the hunger of newspapers for lovely stories of dreadful crimes for much of the cause.

An example of such orchestrated, blind fear was presented to me a couple of years ago. In 2000/2001 a national newspaper whipped up a frenzy over the identities of suspected paedophiles. Now, I as much as anybody have no sympathy for these dreadful criminals but see what happened. Residents of the Paulsgrove estate in Portsmouth, Hampshire caused riots and virtual lynch mobs against local suspects. Some time later, however, one of the local residents told me that one of the mobs' targets turned out not to be a paedophile but a paediatrician at the local hospital. I understand this mistake was also made elsewhere.

Fear must also prevent the majority of people from achieving their potential in life. Fear creates procrastination, makes projects seem unachievable and so leads to the abandonment of dreams. It causes a loss of confidence. Fear is also largely responsible for economic recessions.




"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

Franklin D. Roosevelt in his inaugural address, 4 March 1933



"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive, the risk to be alive and express what we really are."

Don Miguel Ruiz



Next week I will dive in and attempt to identify the types of fears and apply the classification to my life. Later in the month I will move on to overcoming fears.

In the meantime, can you think of any fears that might hold you back from what you want in life?


Until next week, you have my greatest wishes,


Keith Braithwaite



http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/