Values: The Values Of One

In examining our dreams and creating our future lives (being the architect of our lives, if you like), I feel it is important to take a moment to understand and appreciate what features of our characters are important.

We have already established that money is needed to survive in the modern world, and, I suppose it depends on your definition of true success, but in my opinion, we need to include the following values in our lives to gain the most benefit.


Honesty


In his book, The Magic Of Thinking Big, David Schwartz tells the story of a student who made a total mess of an examination paper. Dr. Schwartz knew the student was capable of being top of his class so was concerned enough to ask the man in to see him. He asked the student what had happened.

The student responded in this way: 'Sir, after I saw that you had spotted me cheating, I just went to pieces. I could not concentrate on anything. Honest, this is the first time I've ever cheated at the university. I desperately wanted to succeed so I...' He then went on to explain how he expected to be dismissed, how it would wreck his life and bring shame to his family.


In fact, Dr Schwartz had no idea the man had cheated and reassured the man he had learned a lesson on the value of honesty.

Men have too frequently destroyed their lives by having an extra marital affair and then become overcome with guilt and fear they might be found out. Many criminals are caught simply because they act in a guilty manner.

"There is within each of us a desire to be right, to think right, and act right. When we go against that desire we put a cancer in our conscience. Avoid doing anything that will cause you to ask yourself: 'Will I get caught? Will they find out? Will I get away with it?'"

Honesty and simply doing what is right is so valuable.

Schwartz again: "Doing what's right keeps your conscience satisfied. And this builds self-confidence. When we do what is known to be wrong, two negative things happen. First, we feel guilty, and this guilt eats away confidence. Secondly, other people sooner or later find out and lose confidence in us. Do what is right and keep your confidence."

A lack of honesty also complicates your life. For example, if you tell a lie for whatever reason you need to remember what you said in future conversations or be found out.

You may achieve a level of success, but if it were based on dishonest acts, any happiness achieved would be diluted by the guilt you feel. Equally other people would lose their trust in you and subsequent relationships are put in doubt.

I have made some really stupid mistakes in my life but have learned to be honest about them. Any hurt would be magnified if I try to avoid responsibility and lie. I do have a strong conscience, which will not let me relax if I have been dishonest.

Obviously it is better not to make the mistakes in the first place!

At the same time, it is good to use common sense. Being brutally honest can be equally hurtful - especially when commenting on someone's appearance!


"What you give, you get in return. If you give honesty, you will receive honesty."

Robin Sieger




Loyalty

Like me, you may have included some improvement in your relationships with loved ones, friends and family in your dreams. One way to do this is to show them a degree of loyalty.

Be loyal enough to take their side in all events and do the best by them at every opportunity.

Remember you will know in your heart when you have done the right thing by someone - and if you do not, well, you will know this too.

Obviously if you have a partner, married or unmarried, then he or she should be the centre of your life, with no competition.

Winston Churchill was certainly loyal to his friends and family and especially his wife, Clementine, to whom he was devoted. One of his supporters and companions, Brendan Bracken said of Churchill "He would go to the stake for a friend."








Reliability/Dependability


One of the main purposes of this exercise is to improve your own self-image and being reliable and dependable certainly helps to do this.

I'm sure you have been in the situation where you have organised an event, perhaps a social gathering, only to have people you have invited not turn up even though they promised they would. How did you feel? Disappointed? Feeling you were not important enough for that person to make a commitment to you?

We will talk more about skills with people later, but being unreliable is a sure-fire way to offend others.

This includes punctuality, by the way, which has been a weakness of mine in the past. Be there at the time you said and it will be an unspoken compliment to the person you are to meet.

Think also how you feel about trades people who do not undertake what they promised. As I write this, I am waiting for a telephone call from one company who was meant to ring me before this and a plumber who was meant to be here to do a job already. The likelihood of my using either again is reducing by the minute!

I think if these values become disciplined and then habitual you can concentrate on moving forward and improving your circumstances.




Strength


Here I do not mean physical strength but moral strength. This is related to dependability.

Personally, one of the greatest aims in my life is to be there if any member of my family or friends need support. Once again, if I know I have done what is right it gives me a bigger buzz than almost anything else: better than drugs and alcohol for sure! If anything I do helps others enjoy a better life then that is okay by me.

I think we all have a responsibility to be as strong as possible in order to help those less able to help themselves. This infers we need to make the best of ourselves and to show compassion.




Compassion


I believe compassion is different to sympathy. Sympathy is someone falling into a hole and you jumping down with them and saying 'Oh no, this is terrible.' Compassion is someone falling into a hole and you looking in and saying 'Oh, I understand the situation', and reaching down to help them out.

In other words, compassion involves appreciating the trials of other people and then helping them over come their challenges - if they want assistance. You can only help people if they want help!

Stephen Mansfield in his book on Winston Churchill, 'Never Give In', writes:

"There is a difference between pity and compassion. Pity is an entirely emotional response of sorrow for another's ill fortune. It is feeling not necessarily accompanied by action. Compassion, on the other hand, moves people to action. It is more than sympathizing, more than sharing another's feelings. Compassion is the potent combination of genuine empathy with fiery determination to create change. Throughout history, pity has been the luxury of every age, but compassion marks only strong and noble societies rooted in something beyond material gain and sensual indulgence.








Humility


Arrogance is an obstacle to achieving our dreams, an unnecessary waste of energy. It is a belief of superiority over others. When people have arrogance they repel other people. They become unattractive. I regret this is all too common in some managers in the corporate world.

Humility is the opposite of arrogance. It explains why Adolf Hitler came so close to winning the Second World War - and it explains why he eventually lost. Initially, he left the day-to-day decisions to his officers in the field during the Blitzkrieg. He was humble enough to trust their abilities. After a while, however, Hitler became more arrogant and paranoid, which caused him to make all decisions himself. Authority became too centralised and unwieldy.

Humble leaders accept the input of others and people thus included are more likely to follow the leader.

In his very readable book, 'You Can Change Your Life Any Time You Want', Robin Sieger states: "Humility allows us to go through life without needing to see ourselves as better than others. Humility is accepting, it is quiet, and it is calm. Humility is a confident respect for others and for oneself."

He explains that humility allows us to enjoy and understand life better as we no longer compare ourselves to others and so no longer have to feel superior or inferior to our fellows. We feel in balance with others: we feel equal.

"Humility enables us to be fully open to others, to really listen to them, to give them all of our attention, because we no longer worry about what they may be thinking about us, nor are we judging them."

The truth is we can only feel humble when compared with the power and beauty of the world about you. I recall sitting on the summit of a mountain in the English Lake District on fine day and realising that the Queen or the President of the United States could be in the valley below and I would not know. That made me realise how humble we are without even considering the immensity of the universe!

I am aware I have previously discussed the possibility that we are created in the image of God, but I still think humility is important, as arrogance is most un-Godlike! The truth is we still find it difficult to understand what God is so still feel humble in our ignorance.

It seems to me that the most impressive people in my life have tended to be quiet and have had a humble strength. I put it that way as being humble can be seen as being servile and weak but I believe it is more a quiet confidence. After all, supremely confident people would have no need to compare themselves to others.




The Paradox of Success


Here we come upon the key paradox.

During my life I have become aware of what I have come to know as 'the Losers Creed'. On a regular basis I seem to hear someone say 'You have to look after number one' or 'Look after yourself ahead of the others.' However, I have come to realise nobody who ever says this has achieved what I would consider success.

Although we have to be selfish in identifying our dreams, I do not believe we can achieve real success without working with or satisfying other people. I know we cannot satisfy everyone but it should be clear to whom you have a particular responsibility. This would certainly include family and friends."No man is an island," wrote John Donne and I believe fulfilment requires successful interaction with others.

Clearly this can create a clash between doing what you want and what others expect. This is why we need to consider what values are important as we set our goals next month. I guess we need to make the best of ourselves in order to serve our dependents and society as a whole.

At all times success requires the ability to deal satisfactorily with others in a way that ensures as many people as possible feel they have gained from the experience. It is a difficult balance but it should become clearer as we progress.



"Do not believe the world when it tells you that you must always attend to 'number one' first, and to others afterwards. To do this is not to think of others at all, but only of one's own comforts."

"To those who practice this the day will come when they will be deserted by all, and when they cry out in their loneliness and anguish there will be no one to hear and help them. To consider one's self before all others is to cramp and warp and hinder every noble and divine impulse."

James Allen (The Path of Prosperity)




Conclusion


I think we have now pinned down our dreams and put them in the perspective of what is valuable to us. Success therefore would seem to be a balance of the material and those things money cannot buy and between the selfish and the unselfish.

Okay. But dreams alone will not move me to action. What we need to do is to set dates to these dreams and devise a plan to achieve them. We need to develop a sense of urgency; something I have always found a challenge.

We need therefore to set some goals. It just so happens this is the subject of the next blog.

Until then, my very best wishes as ever.


Keith


www.KeithBraithwaite.com

Dreams 2: Dreamers Are The Saviours Of The World

The dreamers are the saviours of the world. As the visible world is sustained by the invisible, so men, through all their trials and sins and sordid vocations, are nourished by the beautiful visions of their solitary dreamers.
Humanity cannot forget its dreams; it cannot let their ideals fade and die; it lives in them; it knows them as their realities which it shall one day see and know.

James Allen (As A Man Thinketh)

Last week I wrote an introduction to the all-important subject of Dreams. Next week I will start to identify my, and your, dreams to begin the process of achieving success.


There are three subjects I would like to cover before we start.



Materialism and Money


Okay, let's get this one out of the way.


Many times in the past I have been told (and I repeated it myself to others) that 'the best things in life are free' and, in theory it is true.


However, after much consideration, I realise in practise that very little in life is truly free. We live in a materialistic society. Later, among my dreams, you will see non-materialistic aims like 'spend more time with my family and friends', hill walking and charity work. These things take time.


We all need money to pay for food, housing, transport and so on and, at present, I work long hours to pay my bills. This means I have very little time to have 'a life'. So I don't have enough time for these non-material activities.


The truth is I have to find enough money so I don't have to attend my job and thus have time to undertake the important things in life.


Don't tell anyone, but another dream is to have a family and, boy, do they take money!


I was once privileged to hear a great speaker, former Vice President of IBM, Bill O'Brien, say it best: "Money is not important, I just put it up there with oxygen."


On the subject of money, I find I am disagreeing with some authors who suggest you should picture the amount of money you want. I realise it is more important to concentrate on what the money would bring you. Seeing yourself with $1 million is not as powerful, in my opinion, as seeing yourself in your $1 million house, for example.


Influential speaker and youth leader, Pat Mesiti, says, "There is something far greater than money - it is purpose."







SNIOP - Negative Thinking


This is a theme that will occur time and time again in these blogs. Other people stuck in the stressful grind of day-to-day life will not understand the idea that your dreams can set you free (I was out during rush hour recently - what a great time to see how the lives of so many are out of control!).


The danger with encouraging your dreams lies in with who you share your vision. I have several 'friends' with who I would never consider discussing the future, as they would only attempt to undermine my efforts. I guess the problem is finding those who would be empathetic - that is the point of this blog, I suppose.


The great teacher, Zig Ziglar coined the expression 'SNIOP' - Susceptible to The Negative Thinking Of Others.


Some years ago I had the honour of hearing a talk by Morris Goodman, the Miracle Man. Morris' story is told within the book and movie 'The Secret'. In short, Morris was desperately injured in a plane crash, died and was revived. Every part of his body was damaged, much beyond repair, but he taught himself to breathe, speak, eat, walk, indeed everything we take for granted. I have a signed copy of his book in front of me here.

The time had come for me to see how intense my belief in myself was. There could be no room for doubt, no hesitation or uncertainty. Not achieving this goal meant not achieving any other goal - ever.

Bob Proctor, a motivational speaker, often came to mind during this trying period. I recalled two phrases that would give me strength to ignore the dire prophecies of my caretakers: 'If you can't see yourself doing something, you will never do it' and 'We cannot outgrow the limits we impose on ourselves until we enlarge our image of ourselves.' If my expectations were going to govern my life, I was going to aim high!

But I not only had to be determined to reach my goals, but I had to ward off the negative anticipations of my doctors. Their desire to avoid fostering any false hope could have killed me. They meant to save me from disappointments. They knew the odds and tried to explain them to me. They wanted me to be realistic. I refused to accept their reality; I was going to create my own.

Zig Ziglar, the motivator who has inspired me more than any other, has a term for this situation, SNIOP'ed. It means to be 'susceptible to the negative influence of other people.' Studies show that other people's negative expectations often become self-fulfilling prophecies - teachers, bosses, spouses, parents, doctors - they can lock you in a cage of limits. If you accept these limits, you'll never go beyond them. But you have the key. Unlock the cage with self-confidence, and you can go a far as you desire.

As Morris indicated, don't be too hard on those who will not understand your dreams - they think they are doing you a favour by preventing you 'getting your expectations too high'. But, as James Allen puts it: "He who cherishes a beautiful vision, a lofty ideal in his heart will one day realise it."






Solitary Meditation


As we head towards identifying our dreams, and then later, our goals in life. I would quickly like to look at the role of solitary thought. Particularly in considering our life's purpose, sitting quietly alone and thinking has a lot to recommend it.

I find I have too little time to stop and consider my life and situation but, when I do, I feel refreshed and ready to face the world. A little gentle music seems to help if you are at home (one piece I love is Elgar's 'Nimrod') but sitting in a tranquil countryside setting is even better, I believe.


James Allen was a great champion of quiet reflection (he used to sit on a headland and stare out to sea):

Meditation is the intense dwelling, in thought, upon an idea or theme, with the object of thoroughly comprehending it, and whatsoever you constantly meditate upon you will not only come to understand, but will grow more and more into its likeness, for it will become incorporated into your very being, will become, in fact, your very self.

(From 'The Way of Peace')

In solitude a man gathers strength to meet the difficulties and temptations of life, knowledge to understand and conquer them, and wisdom to transcend them. As a building is preserved and sustained by virtue of the foundation which is hidden and unobserved, so a man is maintained perpetually in strength and peace by virtue of his lonely hour of intense thought which no eye beholds.

(From 'Byways of Blessedness')

Now if you will take advantage of a quiet hour or two in the early morning or at night, and go away to some solitary spot, or to some room in your house where you know you will be absolutely free from intrusion, and having seated yourself in an easy attitude, you forcibly direct your mind right away from the object of anxiety by dwelling upon something in your life that is pleasing and blissgiving, a calm, reposeful strength will gradually steal into your mind, and your anxiety will pass away.

It may be that you will have to try day after day before you will be able to perfectly calm your mind, but if you persevere you will certainly accomplish it. And the course which is presented to you in that hour of calmness must be carried out.

Be guided absolutely and entirely by the vision of calmness, and not by the shadows of anxiety. The hour of calmness is the illumination and correct judgement.

(From 'The Path of Prosperity')


The ideal is to do this on a daily basis. I certainly think it is worth meditating quietly on identifying your dreams.


And this, at last, is the subject of the next blog. We now get on to the most important job of pinning down our dreams.


Until then, my very best wishes,


Keith



http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/

Fear 3: Be Careful Darling

Last week we discussed the breakdown of fear using the guide of Napoleon Hill's great book, 'Think and Grow Rich'. Somehow though I felt we hadn't found the whole picture so this week I will expand on this using some other sources and set this blog up so next week we can finally set about defeating fear before we move on.


Before we do, I would like to quote two passages I have found in a fascinating book about the attitudes of sports stars: this book is called 'Mind Games' by Jeff Grout and Sarah Perrin (http://eu.wiley.com).


The first is from the former boss of the McLaren Formula One racing team, Ron Dennis:


"How often do you go through life avoiding decisions because you can't contemplate the potential of failure? Lots of people don't get married because of it. Lots of people carry lots of insecurities. It holds them back in their lives."


The second passage, well, two passages, is from former Olympic runner, Roger Black about 1993, an uncertain year for him:


"My career seemed to be nearly over, and as a person I was all over the place. Everything was a struggle. I picked up a simple book and it had a graph in it showing need for achievement and fear of failure. I looked at it and thought, 'that's me. I'm scared of failure.'"


He decided to address this fear and realised:


"I could lose all my money, I could lose my house. But I can't fail, because there is no such thing as failure. If you are an athlete or whatever you do, the worst thing is to be afraid of failure."


But, wait, is fear such a bad thing? Sometimes controlled fear is positive.



The Positive Side of Fear



I know I am taking a side turning for a moment, but I have discovered fear can be used in a constructive way - especially the fear of failure.



Ron Dennis again:



"The gratification of success is easily matched by the pain of failure. Whilst you would initially think the biggest driver is the search for the rush of success, it doesn't drive you as much as the fear of failure. I feel psychological pain in failure, and it's a great motivator."



Clive Woodward, the coach of the World Cup winning England rugby team:



"The biggest thing, especially with the Six Nations, is that you've got to create a fear factor - a respect factor. In some games it's not difficult; if we are playing a team we can clearly lose to, the fear factor is there. The difficult games are against teams we know we can lose to, but know we should really beat - so you have to create this fear factor. That's why we tend to play better against the bigger teams - we tend to play better when there's something at stake."



And finally, one of my heroines, the fastest round the world yachtswoman, Ellen MacArthur talking about the tough Vendee Globe race:


"With a project like the Vendee, I'm not just doing it for me. A huge amount of energy and commitment goes into preparing a race like that. There are so many people who prepared the boat and who are working every day communicating with you. There's all that energy behind you and it's not up to you to give in. You're damn well going to hang on in there and not let anyone down. Probably fear of failure is one of the biggest motivators - not wanting to let people down."



Anyway, I digress. Time to move back to an analysis of fear.








Back to an Analysis of Fear



I will just stick with the world of sport and the 'Mind Games' book for an analysis of fear from the Olympic coach, Frank Dick:



"Former national athletics coach Frank Dick believes there are four fears that can seriously impede a sportsperson. These are fear of losing, fear of making a mistake, fear of rejection and fear of embarrassment. Fear of losing is like thinking about drowning when you should be thinking about swimming. Worrying about mistakes means you don't take risks, and that means no progress. Fear of rejection, in terms of not being selected, again leads to playing safe as does fear of embarrassment or being concerned about what people think. Dick calls these 'fatal fears' because they take people back off the edge. Champions have to want to live on the edge; they have go to be comfortable being there."



That passage strikes a chord with me. Too often my fears make me back down (from 'the edge') and are encompassed in all four fears Dick describes. Ouch. But can we not break the fears down more specifically and then define fear in one passage we can then attack?



Let's at last turn to what may be the definitive book on the subject. In fact, the very title may give us the answer we need: 'Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers (www.susanjeffers.com).



I would like to start as she does on page 3 of the book:



"What is it for you?



Fear of...
Public Speaking
Asserting yourself
Making decisions
Intimacy
Changing jobs
Being alone
Aging
Driving
Losing a loved one
Ending a relationship?"



"Is it some of the above? All of the above? Perhaps you could add a few more to the list. Never mind...join the crowd! Fear seems to be epidemic in our society. We fear beginnings; we fear endings. We fear changing; we fear 'staying stuck'. We fear success; we fear failure. We fear living; we fear dying."


"I believe it is primarily an education problem, and that by re-educating the mind, you can accept fear as simply a fact of life rather than a barrier to success (this should be a relief to all of you out there who have been wondering 'What's wrong with me?')."


"No matter what degree of insecurity you are feeling, a part of you knows there is a lot of wonderful 'stuff' within you just waiting to be let out and NOW is the perfect time for opening the door to the power and love within."


Susan Jeffers believes fear can be broken down into three levels with level one being the most shallow, surface fears.









You can easily add more to this list or delete those that do not relate to you.



Also one fear can lead to another. For example, if you fear making new friends, then going to parties or intimacy may well make you afraid.



Now the level 1 fears can then be grouped into a smaller layer of fears at level 2.


Level 2 fears are to do with the inner state of mind the level 1 fears produce.







These explain why generalised fears exist. For example, if you are afraid of rejection, it will affect every part of your life - all relationships, job interviews, business activities and so on. Then you start to shut out the world.



The level 2 fears will all affect many areas of your life.



Okay, so we have whittled down the Level 1 fears to Level 2, but can we define fears in one line? Susan Jeffers believes we can.






"At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can't handle whatever life may bring you."


"If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear?"



Ah-ha! This makes sense to me. In every situation where I have been fearful, I can see it was simply a fear that I could not handle what was happening.



For example, last week we talked about the fear of criticism, which is really the fear of not being able to handle criticism. My fear of talking to strangers is no more than a fear I might not be able to handle talking to strangers. There are projects I have procrastinated over as I am frightened I could not handle the challenges such projects present. Surely if I could feel I COULD handle any situation, then I could handle my fears.



I am now confident we are on the way to confronting and defeating these fears.


Before we move on to tackling our fears, it might be useful to understand why we have so little trust in ourselves. I will refer to Susan Jeffers again.



Now, some fear is constructive and probably comes from a survival instinct inherited from our ancesters but there are learned fears we could do without. Where did they come from?



Last week, we already mentioned the role of the media in conditioning fears but maybe some are also learned from the well-intentioned comments from our mothers. Were you ever told 'be careful, darling'? The mind translates this into 'be careful as I am not confident you can handle your life alone.' Be positive. The true meaning is more likely 'be careful because I could not handle it if anything happened to you' - which is nice. In future, see it as an indication of how much they care for you.



In my case, I also know there have been too many people who don't want me to do better than them and so criticise me to pull me back (remember the crab pot analogy last week?): 'Who do you think you are?' 'Don't bother, you will never manage that.' 'You will get ripped off.'



This blog is here to counteract these comments.



One last quote from Susan Jeffers:



"It is often impossible to figure out what the actual causes of negative patterns are, and even is we did know, the knowing doesn't necessarily change them. I believe that if something is troubling you, simply start from where you are and take the action necessary to change it."



Thank you, Susan, we certainly will - next week.



Have a wonderful week and look out for the next blog.



With my very best wishes,



Keith




http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/

Fear 1: Fear Is All Around

Week One - 1st February 2009


It may seem strange to start a self-development blog by discussing fear. However, looking back at my life so far, I believe various forms of fear have prevented me achieving much of what I wanted.

These include (a few that I can think of now); a fear of going to hospital, a fear of speaking in public, a fear of ringing tradespeople, a fear of undertaking a long journey, a fear of speaking to strangers, a fear of telephoning friends, a fear of progressing relationships, a fear of starting a difficult project, a fear of talking to people I perceive as superior to me in some way, a fear of going to work, and, yes, a fear of writing this blog.

Interestingly, I have noticed the more I give into fear, the more fears I develop; indeed, I can imagine feeding fears enough could lead to full blown phobias.

To prevent fear obstructing the purpose of this blog, I want to tackle it straight away.

Whilst researching this subject, I have become more and more amazed how much fear there is in the world.

Have you ever been told (as I have) that fear 'is only in the mind'?

That may be so, but its effects are very real and widespread.

Governments rule by fear, companies market through fear (insurance companies in particular: 'what would happen if.....?') and I am increasingly convinced that many of the negative and destructive deeds committed in this world are created by fear. The media have a lot to answer for in this respect. Now I enjoy nights as much as days and yet so often I have come across adults who are afraid of the dark. Why? Well, look at the passion for horror movies and the hunger of newspapers for lovely stories of dreadful crimes for much of the cause.

An example of such orchestrated, blind fear was presented to me a couple of years ago. In 2000/2001 a national newspaper whipped up a frenzy over the identities of suspected paedophiles. Now, I as much as anybody have no sympathy for these dreadful criminals but see what happened. Residents of the Paulsgrove estate in Portsmouth, Hampshire caused riots and virtual lynch mobs against local suspects. Some time later, however, one of the local residents told me that one of the mobs' targets turned out not to be a paedophile but a paediatrician at the local hospital. I understand this mistake was also made elsewhere.

Fear must also prevent the majority of people from achieving their potential in life. Fear creates procrastination, makes projects seem unachievable and so leads to the abandonment of dreams. It causes a loss of confidence. Fear is also largely responsible for economic recessions.




"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

Franklin D. Roosevelt in his inaugural address, 4 March 1933



"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive, the risk to be alive and express what we really are."

Don Miguel Ruiz



Next week I will dive in and attempt to identify the types of fears and apply the classification to my life. Later in the month I will move on to overcoming fears.

In the meantime, can you think of any fears that might hold you back from what you want in life?


Until next week, you have my greatest wishes,


Keith Braithwaite



http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/