Fear 3: Be Careful Darling

Last week we discussed the breakdown of fear using the guide of Napoleon Hill's great book, 'Think and Grow Rich'. Somehow though I felt we hadn't found the whole picture so this week I will expand on this using some other sources and set this blog up so next week we can finally set about defeating fear before we move on.


Before we do, I would like to quote two passages I have found in a fascinating book about the attitudes of sports stars: this book is called 'Mind Games' by Jeff Grout and Sarah Perrin (http://eu.wiley.com).


The first is from the former boss of the McLaren Formula One racing team, Ron Dennis:


"How often do you go through life avoiding decisions because you can't contemplate the potential of failure? Lots of people don't get married because of it. Lots of people carry lots of insecurities. It holds them back in their lives."


The second passage, well, two passages, is from former Olympic runner, Roger Black about 1993, an uncertain year for him:


"My career seemed to be nearly over, and as a person I was all over the place. Everything was a struggle. I picked up a simple book and it had a graph in it showing need for achievement and fear of failure. I looked at it and thought, 'that's me. I'm scared of failure.'"


He decided to address this fear and realised:


"I could lose all my money, I could lose my house. But I can't fail, because there is no such thing as failure. If you are an athlete or whatever you do, the worst thing is to be afraid of failure."


But, wait, is fear such a bad thing? Sometimes controlled fear is positive.



The Positive Side of Fear



I know I am taking a side turning for a moment, but I have discovered fear can be used in a constructive way - especially the fear of failure.



Ron Dennis again:



"The gratification of success is easily matched by the pain of failure. Whilst you would initially think the biggest driver is the search for the rush of success, it doesn't drive you as much as the fear of failure. I feel psychological pain in failure, and it's a great motivator."



Clive Woodward, the coach of the World Cup winning England rugby team:



"The biggest thing, especially with the Six Nations, is that you've got to create a fear factor - a respect factor. In some games it's not difficult; if we are playing a team we can clearly lose to, the fear factor is there. The difficult games are against teams we know we can lose to, but know we should really beat - so you have to create this fear factor. That's why we tend to play better against the bigger teams - we tend to play better when there's something at stake."



And finally, one of my heroines, the fastest round the world yachtswoman, Ellen MacArthur talking about the tough Vendee Globe race:


"With a project like the Vendee, I'm not just doing it for me. A huge amount of energy and commitment goes into preparing a race like that. There are so many people who prepared the boat and who are working every day communicating with you. There's all that energy behind you and it's not up to you to give in. You're damn well going to hang on in there and not let anyone down. Probably fear of failure is one of the biggest motivators - not wanting to let people down."



Anyway, I digress. Time to move back to an analysis of fear.








Back to an Analysis of Fear



I will just stick with the world of sport and the 'Mind Games' book for an analysis of fear from the Olympic coach, Frank Dick:



"Former national athletics coach Frank Dick believes there are four fears that can seriously impede a sportsperson. These are fear of losing, fear of making a mistake, fear of rejection and fear of embarrassment. Fear of losing is like thinking about drowning when you should be thinking about swimming. Worrying about mistakes means you don't take risks, and that means no progress. Fear of rejection, in terms of not being selected, again leads to playing safe as does fear of embarrassment or being concerned about what people think. Dick calls these 'fatal fears' because they take people back off the edge. Champions have to want to live on the edge; they have go to be comfortable being there."



That passage strikes a chord with me. Too often my fears make me back down (from 'the edge') and are encompassed in all four fears Dick describes. Ouch. But can we not break the fears down more specifically and then define fear in one passage we can then attack?



Let's at last turn to what may be the definitive book on the subject. In fact, the very title may give us the answer we need: 'Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers (www.susanjeffers.com).



I would like to start as she does on page 3 of the book:



"What is it for you?



Fear of...
Public Speaking
Asserting yourself
Making decisions
Intimacy
Changing jobs
Being alone
Aging
Driving
Losing a loved one
Ending a relationship?"



"Is it some of the above? All of the above? Perhaps you could add a few more to the list. Never mind...join the crowd! Fear seems to be epidemic in our society. We fear beginnings; we fear endings. We fear changing; we fear 'staying stuck'. We fear success; we fear failure. We fear living; we fear dying."


"I believe it is primarily an education problem, and that by re-educating the mind, you can accept fear as simply a fact of life rather than a barrier to success (this should be a relief to all of you out there who have been wondering 'What's wrong with me?')."


"No matter what degree of insecurity you are feeling, a part of you knows there is a lot of wonderful 'stuff' within you just waiting to be let out and NOW is the perfect time for opening the door to the power and love within."


Susan Jeffers believes fear can be broken down into three levels with level one being the most shallow, surface fears.









You can easily add more to this list or delete those that do not relate to you.



Also one fear can lead to another. For example, if you fear making new friends, then going to parties or intimacy may well make you afraid.



Now the level 1 fears can then be grouped into a smaller layer of fears at level 2.


Level 2 fears are to do with the inner state of mind the level 1 fears produce.







These explain why generalised fears exist. For example, if you are afraid of rejection, it will affect every part of your life - all relationships, job interviews, business activities and so on. Then you start to shut out the world.



The level 2 fears will all affect many areas of your life.



Okay, so we have whittled down the Level 1 fears to Level 2, but can we define fears in one line? Susan Jeffers believes we can.






"At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can't handle whatever life may bring you."


"If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear?"



Ah-ha! This makes sense to me. In every situation where I have been fearful, I can see it was simply a fear that I could not handle what was happening.



For example, last week we talked about the fear of criticism, which is really the fear of not being able to handle criticism. My fear of talking to strangers is no more than a fear I might not be able to handle talking to strangers. There are projects I have procrastinated over as I am frightened I could not handle the challenges such projects present. Surely if I could feel I COULD handle any situation, then I could handle my fears.



I am now confident we are on the way to confronting and defeating these fears.


Before we move on to tackling our fears, it might be useful to understand why we have so little trust in ourselves. I will refer to Susan Jeffers again.



Now, some fear is constructive and probably comes from a survival instinct inherited from our ancesters but there are learned fears we could do without. Where did they come from?



Last week, we already mentioned the role of the media in conditioning fears but maybe some are also learned from the well-intentioned comments from our mothers. Were you ever told 'be careful, darling'? The mind translates this into 'be careful as I am not confident you can handle your life alone.' Be positive. The true meaning is more likely 'be careful because I could not handle it if anything happened to you' - which is nice. In future, see it as an indication of how much they care for you.



In my case, I also know there have been too many people who don't want me to do better than them and so criticise me to pull me back (remember the crab pot analogy last week?): 'Who do you think you are?' 'Don't bother, you will never manage that.' 'You will get ripped off.'



This blog is here to counteract these comments.



One last quote from Susan Jeffers:



"It is often impossible to figure out what the actual causes of negative patterns are, and even is we did know, the knowing doesn't necessarily change them. I believe that if something is troubling you, simply start from where you are and take the action necessary to change it."



Thank you, Susan, we certainly will - next week.



Have a wonderful week and look out for the next blog.



With my very best wishes,



Keith




http://www.keithbraithwaite.com/